am i a p.e. teachers assistant?

well, wether i am or not, i am!  i was offered the job, and it is with really cute elementary kids, so i am going to give it a shot.  

as soon as i hung up the phone, after accepting the job, the tears immediately started falling.  i was not prepared for this reaction.  i want to work, i enjoy working, but i was not ready for the reality of not taking care of my son day after day.   now i feel that i did not fully appreciate the time that i had.  but i think that would be the case no matter how much time i had.  

the job is going to be great and good for me and for my family.  it will bring in some money that will help, and it will help me to not get so frustrated about being at home all the time.  

that is the thing that kills me.  i am so sad now about not being at home, yet being at home drives me crazy!!  kids, you want to be with them all the time, and yet, they drive you crazy as well!!  

life is crazy and i am trying to go with the flow.  i have prayed and prayed and then prayed some more and all i know is that God is with me and He will be with me through this transition and He will give me the strength and everything is going to be good hopefully even great!!

although any prayers you would like to add to mine are appreciated!

rejection . . .

sucks!!  another job is not mine.  i just don't know what to do.  i am dejected and depressed and wondering what is next.  i kept feeling like these openings were something because i did not seek them out, only to be turned down in the end.  so, here i sit, at home, looking at my adorable son, and i am just confused.  

pulling up . . .

is making me pull my hair out!!!   liam has gone from crawling to pulling up within a matter of seconds it seems.  where is the nice pause where i get to enjoy the crawling and watch him cruise around the room with some sense of peace of mind.  i think i missed that stage, or liam didn't get the memo about the fact that mothers need a little of time to adjust to changes in their angels.  he is just zooming through the stages and will be walking before I know it!!

i know one of my resolutions was to not be anxious about these changes, but it is hard to not be nervous about the fact that he is pulling up on the most unstable objects over a hard tile floor.  here is the process:  he crawls to an object, probably one that is shaky or about to fall over, then he proceeds to grab at it with wild abandon, following that he then pulls himself to a standing position while trying to balance on his amazingly unstable little legs, finally the unstable object gives and he goes kerplunk!!!  there is some crying involved really more from being scared than from actually being hurt, and that is just me!    

please pray for my sanity!!

my things list

my friend stacey did a list and i am blatantly copying her idea! 

things to do:

1.  eat healthier - having a baby makes me think about the life that i currently lead.  i don't want him and any other sweet little thing that should come along to have the same eating habits that i have.  i have to got to learn to be a better cook and better eating example to my kid(s).

2.  go to bed earlier - especially since i might be going back to work full time!  i have a tendency to stay up after i put my son to bed and watch shows on my dvr and or read for far longer than is necessary.  it makes it so that i not only get enough sleep, but also so that i am tired and crabby the next day.  that mixture does not make for a happy mommy, husband, or son!!

3. think more positively about myself and my abilities - i am a good mother and a good person, just not perfect and i can't get those two confused.   of course you do realize that i know i am not perfect!  

things to keep doing:

1.  loving my husband and son - i must admit, i am already pretty good at this.  it also happens to be something that i enjoy doing, so why not keep doing it!!

2.  going to church and strengthening my faith - even though i already do go to church, with much more regularity than i have in the past, i need to make sure and make it meaningful when i am there. 

3.  napping occasionally - besides the fact that i love to nap, i also feel that it makes me an easier person to be around.  just ask my husband!

things not to do:

1.  not to wallow in periods of self pity because lubbock is not exactly where i want to be - it is easy, especially while i have not been working, to find all that is wrong in my life.  right now that thing is lubbock.  yes, it is a perfectly nice town and we are around family and friends, it is just not where i envisioned myself right now.  but some things can't be changed and so i need to change my perspective.  lubbock is a nice town, and it is nice to be around family.  things are going to go well here and we are going to be happy. 

2.  not to get overly anxious as my son grows, changes, and puts himself in harms way  -  first it was giving him solid foods.  now he is about to be walking and who knows what else.  it is the great unknown and i must try to not be anxious about it.  instead i need to look forward to and enjoy the moments as they come!  i will never have these moments again and i need to enjoy them now!!

3.  not to give up on myself and my ability to grow and become a better person - you may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but i know that i am still growing and learning and i can't allow myself to become stale.  i may be tired at times and yes, it is work, but it is worth it to feel good about myself and to have my husband, son, and family be proud of who i am!!

tired

they tell you that having a baby will change your life, and yes, i believe them.  however, the tired that you feel cannot be explained.  no matter how much i sleep get it is never enough to actually feel like i have slept.  and even the sleep that i get is not the same sleep.  it is the one ear open sleep that a mother sleeps.  the sleep that hears every movement that you sleeping angel makes.  the sleep that doesn't really count as sleep.  the non sleep that is still so worth it because even the sounds in the middle of night are sweet, and the smile that you get when you go to pick them up in the morning are what starts the day out right.  so yes, i have bags under my eyes and i yawn quite a bit, but when you see the cutie pie that follows me you will understand that it is all worth while.